Earlier this week, I saw a post on No Page Left Blank titled “31 Things No One Tells You About Becoming a Parent: A Response” and thought I’d leave my own thoughts on this list. Well, here they are.
#1 – Make sure you don’t barbecue your kid.
#2 – Don’t let polar bear cubs eat your baby.
Oh wait, those aren’t actually on the list. Here are the real ones:
1. At some point you will accidentally hurt your kid and you’ll feel like the worst parent ever.
Yeah, this has happened. Tomoe’s had her share of getting bumped into or knocked over accidentally, and I felt horrible. I asked myself, “Will she hate me?” Within minutes, she was laughing and smiling, so obviously she felt fine. But at that instant, I couldn’t help but feel terrible.
2. You will know a lot less about this: [insert image of a newspaper showing important world news]
On the contrary, I keep up with world news quite a bit. I don’t feel behind at all.
3. And a whole lot more about this: [insert an image of a bunch of special figure toys]
To be honest, it’s not so much about toys, but much more about kids TV shows these days. Especially Anpanman. I know the main characters, and kids I teach English to are surprised that I know their names.
4. Your Netflix account will eventually only suggest kids’ shows.
Don’t have Netflix, but we do have Hulu. Not one kids’ show is on our queue.
5. Your pet will no longer be your top priority.
This most certainly happened. We spend less time playing with our dog and more time with Tomoe. But as he died earlier this year, things have changed.
6. You will gain 15 pounds.
Uh, no. The opposite. Over the past 3 years, I’ve lost 21 kg. Yeah, that’s right. 46 pounds. It has nothing to do with Tomoe and everything to do with not eating convenience store meals all the time.
7. The backseat of your car will be nasty.
This doesn’t apply. We don’t have a car.
8. You will eat 95% of your meals either incredibly fast or with one hand. Or both.
Due to my work hours, I get home after my daughter’s gone to bed (3 days a week) or get home an hour before she goes to bed (2 days a week). In either case, I eat after she’s gone to bed. No problem! But during the other 2 days, she gets fed first, then we eat. And yes, I sometimes have to defend my food while she gets upset that I’m not playing with her. It makes me take longer to eat. It should get easier soon, I hope.
9. You’ll basically become a ninja.
With so many toys around as obstacles, this has actually been really difficult. I manage to bump one or two of them, and of course, they make a lot of noise. But thankfully, Tomoe sleeps through the sound. At times, she’s a pretty heavy sleeper.
10. Despite your best efforts, your kids will get their hands on your iPhone.
Yes, she does quite often. But she knows I don’t want her playing with it, so she turns around and hands it to me. My wife’s iPod Touch, on the other hand, that’s a different story. She has a lot of games on it for Tomoe, so she’s got permission to use it. She knows how to unlock it, where to find the games, how to start the games, how to play them, and how to close the games. That’s right, she’s not even 2 years old, and she’s already an expert on how to use it. And there are plenty of random photos she’s taken of the floor.
11. Parenting is harder than you think it’ll be, but you won’t really notice.
That is actually really hard to respond to. It’s been harder since she’s learned to walk. When she was a tiny baby, the difficulty was getting a full night’s sleep. But daytime was a breeze, outside of frequent diaper changes and feedings. Now, the difficulty is keeping her out of trouble. She does fairly well, surprisingly. But she makes a mess with her toys. But another thing that’s hard is to get her to stop talking so negatively about things. She says “no” and “dame (no, don’t, you can’t do that, I won’t do that, etc)” all the time, and has now started saying “hen na no (you’re weird/strange/a freak).” Guh.
12. You will have to sneak candy like it’s a contraband substance.
Yeah, but not just that. Fruit, too. Especially tangerines and bananas. And any snack featuring pictures of Anpanman.
13. You will laugh more than at any other time in your life.
Yeah, if I’m not frustrated. But she definitely has provided some big laughs.
14. You’ll be awakened at 2 a.m. to fetch a glass of water only to find your kid passed out when you deliver it.
She’s never requested this, and isn’t very good with drinking from a glass, but she has woken up and asked for us. She usually wants to sleep in our bed with us. But sometimes, she’ll wake up crying, then fall asleep within a couple minutes. Still waiting for her to ask for water.
15. You will see your own faults reflected back at you.
She copies everything! One of the strangest things is that when I’m at my computer and not using my mouse, she’ll reach over and pull my hand to my mouse. Am I really using it that much? When she’s in front of my computer, she always goes for the mouse, too.
16. Folding kid and baby clothes is torture.
Not an issue. Really. They’re so small.
17. It’s impossible to feel manly when folding said baby clothes.
Again, not an issue for me.
18. The power of cute is more formidable than you realize.
Hell yes! I may be in a bad mood and Tomoe gives me a cute smile or pose, and it just makes me smile. She has a lot of power.
19. You will find talking to your friends without kids more difficult.
Simply meeting any friends has become more difficult. Bed times, making sure I’m home in time for her to see me on weekends, and so on. I’ve become a servant of my daughter’s.
20. Kids become actual people and not baby blobs way sooner than you think.
I’ve made a similar comment before about how my daughter seems like a real person now. She actually thinks, has likes and dislikes, and is rather creative. She is surprisingly creative! She impresses me a lot.
21. Something you love will get ruined.
Not yet. She’s damaged earphones, folded a book cover, but that’s it.
22. You will turn into your parents.
Some aspects, probably. I had quite a bit of freedom when I was a kid, but I tended to be well-behaved. Hopefully, Tomoe will learn to be responsible, so I can feel more confident about her ability to be independent.
23. Very little will embarrass you.
Those parents with noisy kids in the supermarket now have my understanding. But I also realise just how I don’t care what others think of me when my daughter is shouting for Anpanman cookies and I ignore her. Believe me, nothing will shut her up. She already has Anpanman cookies at home.
24. You won’t be able to watch movies where kids are killed or kidnapped.
Not really. On the contrary, it gets my protective feeling heightened. If I see a movie where a kid is kidnapped and the parents have to try to get the kid back, all I want is for that parent to beat the crap out of the kidnapper. It’s only natural to want to protect your kid. I can still watch those movies.
25. You won’t want to spend money on yourself because you’ll know every dollar spent on yourself is a dollar you could’ve spent on your family.
I’ve always been this way. There’s been no change.
26. Buying your kid something will make you way more happy than buying yourself something.
Absolutely. I love seeing that happy face.
27. When your kid is little, every trip out of the house will feel like getting ready to go to the airport.
How true this is. And having to pack extra diapers and wet wipes, as well. Getting her back into the house is like having to unpack. It’s so much effort to go anywhere, especially if we have to take the bus. The bus is the most difficult thing about going anywhere with my daughter.
28. You will love to watch kids’ movies.
Honestly, I always have. Now I have an excuse to be able to watch them.
29. You will cram your entire adult life between the time your kid goes down and you go to sleep.
Very true. I also love nap time. But since Tomoe goes to a nursery some days every week, I also have a bit of time in the morning before I go to work. Those are precious times for me.
30. For a while, only you will be able to understand them, so you’ll basically become their interpreter.
This is a tough thing. Tomoe is learning both Japanese and English, and my Japanese isn’t good enough to understand much badly pronounced Japanese. But I have interpreted before. When my daughter met my coworkers, I translated what she really meant by “nana” and “bappo.”
31. And lastly, it’s all worth it.
Yes. See my previous post.
So, how about you? I want to hear some responses.
Foreign Dad in Japan 